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Soothers from Space.

As people move along the High Street many will have noticed, but may not have been surprised, at the number of abandoned child calming devices which scatter the landscape. To the untrained eye these devices appear to be the normal child calming appliance commonly known as a “soother.”

However recent scientific research has shown that these “soothers” are in fact space invader devices (SIDs) which have been unleashed on earth from a galaxy deep in space, presumably to study and monitor the human race. Seemingly the “soothers” are transported through space in huge Saturn type rockets which at some point above this planet deploy their payload and spray millions of the devices on to the Earth’s surface.

When the space invader vehicle (see attached diagram) descends through the Earth’s atmosphere it deploys its cleverly designed flight components and falls gently to the ground, usually in the High Street or other busy thoroughfare, closes down all systems and then waits for its victim. At the approach of some unsuspecting mother with a crying toddler the SID activates all systems and the vehicle moves into a LEO (lower earth orbit) manoeuvre and waits. As soon as the child is within striking distance the SID, utilizing the earth’s magnetic fields as a propulsion system, moves at incredible speed, lifts off the ground and docks in the child’s mouth and starts gathering data. The speed of the manoeuvre explains why any child with a soother in its mouth has a red face, bulging eyes, and a startled look on its face. The SID retains the docking configuration until all the necessary information has been obtained from the child then it releases its grip and falls to the ground to join the hundreds of other SIDs that litter the vicinity.

 It should be noted that there is no discernable difference between a fully primed SID awaiting a victim and one that has completed its evil mission. So when you see soothers scattered across your path give them a wide berth and hurry on your way for you could be under surveillance from outer space.

The Design and Construction of a Space Invader Vehicle

Triumphant End to Epic March from South Pole!

Capt Oates Arrives in London!!

As the dawn broke across London this morning early risers going about their lawful occasions in the inner City came upon an astounding sight. In Regent Street they came upon a man in an emaciated and bewildered condition, wearing little other than rags on his back, making his way, on paper-thin skis, dragging a polar sledge marked “South Polar Expedition If found return to R. Scott Antarctica” The man, whose hair and beard formed a matted coil which was wrapped around his waist, was accompanied by five Emperor penguins with whom he appeared to communicate by emitting loud bird-like piercing squawks and shrieks. When a crowd quickly gathered the man halted and, after a struggle to form the words, asked for directions to the Royal Geographical Society building. At this point several Police Officers arrived and, after searching the stranger’s person, took him to a nearby shop and began to question him. Some little time later a Police Officer made a brief statement to the waiting media and said that the stranger claimed to be someone called Lawrence Edward Grace Oates, who had been known to some of his Polar companions as “Titus”, and to others as “Lego”, a Capt in the Inniskilling Dragoons, and latterly a member of the 1910-12 Polar Expedition lead by Capt Robert Scott, RN. Papers produced by the stranger, although in a dilapidated, torn and filthy condition, appeared to substantiate the claim; but the Officer cautioned, these papers could be forgeries. The Officer said that it was likely that the stranger, whoever he was, could face serious charges including the importation of protected marine species, failure to produce a valid passport, and illegal entry into Britain. In addition the stranger could very well face prosecution for failure to pay Congestion Charges, unlawful parking and causing an affray The Officer added that the alleged Capt Oates was too weak to make any statement to the media.

                                                   young Titus Oates at 32

At the mention of the name Oates an excited murmur ran through the crowd. The last known sighting of Capt Oates had been on the night of 17 March 1912 (his birthday) when he left the tent in which he and his polar colleagues had been sheltering and had staggered out into the blizzard presumably walking to his death. Now seemingly Oates had miraculously reappeared here in London. How could this be!

The crowd which had now grown to a significant size began to clamour for news about the circumstances surrounding Oates’ arrival in the City and demanded that the Polar survivor make a statement. The Police Spokesman repeated that Capt Oates’ was too weak to give any public explanation of his sudden appearance. However the Officer agreed to ask Capt Oates to answer the one question which appeared to be on everyones lips: did he leave his companions in the tent in Antartica with the words: “I am just going out. I may be some time” as Capt Scott had written in his diary? 

A few minutes later the Police Officer returned and told the crowd that the question had been answered: Capt Oates claimed that he had actually said “I am just going out to hang some things on the line. It should be good drying with this wind” Capt Oates added: “Scottie was always inclined to be a bit of a Drama Queen!”

At this point staff from the Royal Geographical Society arrived on the scene and undertook to look after the weak and emaciated man and his five companions. After the paperwork had been completed the bewildered Capt Oates and the penguins were taken away for much needed food, rest and medical attention. It is understood that later they were given a substantial meal of fresh fish and are now all resting in the Penguin colony at London Zoo.

 It is expected that a full statement will be released by the Royal Geographical Society in a day or two after the hero of the hour has been nursed back to something approaching normal health. Until then the World waits anxiously to learn all the facts behind this remarkable story of survival of the human spirit, and the epic journey, covering 25000 miles and 95 years, from the South Pole to England. Could it be a tale of man, animal and marine life against the forces of time and nature?  What role did the Emperor penguins ( Aptenodytes forsteri) play in the survival of Capt Oates?  Did other animal and marine species help to succor and protect the frail human over the years as he struggled doggedly towards his Homeland? What a story Oates has to tell! Could this be a case of “Titus of the Penguins”?  Only time will tell!

Shock Decision from European Court

Russian Appeal Upheld!

Charge of the Light Brigade deemed to be null and Void

Court rules that Charge must be re-run!

In a shock decision the European Court ruled today that the 1854 Charge of the Light Brigade was illegal in that it was conducted at a time when the Russian gunners were not ready to do battle, and the Light Brigade had left the start-line before the whistle. The Court ruled too that the guns and ordinances captured by the Light Brigade following the Charge are to be returned to Russia.

Britain is to tender an apology to the Russian people for having flouted the Rules of Engagement.

In handing down the decision (which had been initiated by President Putin of Russia)  the President of the Court, Mr Justice Hitler, said that apart from the breach of the Rules of Warfare, current at the time, there were serious Health and Safety, as well as Human Rights issues, that should be addressed. Justice Hitler indicated that the Court had been impressed by the evidence put forward by President Putin in presenting the case for the Russian appeal. Clearly he was an unbiased, persuasive,  and knowledgeable witness who had highlighted the trauma which the Russian gunners had suffered as a result of the Charge.

Undoubtedly they had been the victims in the dramatic events surrounding the battle.

Justice Hitler said that the Court was satisfied that there had been a serious miscarriage of justice in the circumstances surrounding the Charge of the Light Brigade in October 1854.He added that the Court would direct the

 appropriate authorities in Brussels to initiate proceedings in accordance with the provisions of the Health and Safety legislation against the British Ministry of Defence for allowing members of the Light Brigade to take part in the Charge without hard-hats, hearing protection devices, hi-viz jackets, and safety belts.

The lack of protective clothing had undoubtedly added to the heavy casualties suffered by the Brigade during the Charge. It is expected that many claims for compensation will follow the Court decision.

The Court made no Order regarding the place where the re-run of the Charge is to take place.

There was  no formal comment from Downing Street regarding the Court decision but an unidentified spokesperson said that the Prime Minister would seek to have the re-run conducted at the Culloden battlefield site.

The former Prime Minister, Tony Blair, said today that he would be prepared to organise and conduct the Charge re-run provided that the money was right.

POLICE CRACK DOWN ON DUCK CRIME!

From our own Crime Reporter in Ely

Following a recent upsurge in Duck crime in Ely the Police have acted swiftly to put into place stringent new enforcement measures to crack down on duck knapping and duck smuggling in the City.

At a Press conference held at the Maltings yesterday Chief Inspector Gary Mallard outlined new measures which are, or will shortly, be put into place by the Police to combat the alarming increase in this new type of crime.

Mr Mallard said that a major plank in the new initiative will be the formation of an Anti Duck Crime Squad which will be headed by Inspector Dick Pochard. All the members of the 12 officer unit will bring specialist skills in the fight to protect the local duck population. As a first step the unit will use DNA (Duck Numerical Assessment) techniques to establish the number of ducks that currently inhabit the waterfront.

When the population assessment has been completed all ducks will be named,  photographed, foot printed and will have electronic chips fitted so that they can be traced at all times. Anonymity Orders will not apply to the duck population but Duck Right issues will have to be resolved. The duck census records will be eventually loaded into a Home Office data-base and will be regularly updated at 50 year intervals as necessary.

In an innovative move, Mr Mallard said that it was also intended to utilize the squadron of swans that operate in the area by fitting miniature cameras (Swan Circuit TV) to the heads of the birds to keep the river under surveillance at all times. For daytime supervision several Duck Support Officers (DSOs) would be assigned to patrol the waterfront.

Mr Mallard said that the Government would be asked to grant additional legislative tools to allow the Police to deal with duck crime offenders. These would include the introduction of Anti Duck Behaviour Orders (ADBOs) and for more serious offences the creation of new Super Anti Duck Behaviour Orders (SADBOs – known in the Trade as Tony Blairs)

.

Mr Mallard concluded the Press Conference by saying that the new measures will send a clear signal to any potential duck-knappers or duck smugglers that duck crimes will not be tolerated and that their nefarious activities will be swiftly detected and punished.

His advice to duck villains: don’t do it!

In another development the Prime Minister told a hushed House of Commons yesterday that if the ducks ever left Ely the Romans would return and reoccupy the City. He said that this must not be allowed to happen and accordingly the Government intended to import ducks from Poland, Bulgaria, and Romania, to beef-up the Ely duck population.

At the local level the Police initiative has been welcomed .

When asked about the new duck protection measures Mrs Brenda Shoveller of the Friends of Ely Ducks (FED’s) said that she welcomed the new Police powers and said that her Organisation would be taking a proactive part in protecting the ducks. As a first step her members would start knitting hi-visibility vests that the ducks could wear to assist in monitoring the movement of the birds. Mrs Shoveller made a plea to the public to play its part in protecting the duck population. “After all she said “We don’t want the Romans to come back do we?”

POLICE IN ANTI-DUCK TERRORISM RAID!

PREDAWN SWOOP ON ELY WATERFRONT

From our own Crime Reporter in Ely

not a duck in sight!

Officers from the recently formed Ant-Duck Crime Squad raided a number of addresses in the Ely waterfront area this morning in what is thought to have been a major search for suspected duck terrorists. It is understood that 6 men of anglo-saxon appearance have been taken for questioning to an unnamed location at the Ely Police Station. One man identified as Mr A, but later named as Mr Assid Battery, has been released without charge.

In a shock move during the operation three Canons from the Ely cathedral were arrested and charged with firearm offences; they were later discharged. At a hastily arranged press conference Chief Inspector Gary Mallard issued an apology to the three clerics and said that their unfortunate arrest was the work of an over zealous Police Officer who thought the men were in possession of cannons rather than that they were canons. The Officer had been disciplined and would be transferred to the Humberside Police.

Mr Mallard told the media that the Police operation had been scaled down and no more arrests were likely. He said that a review of the Operations Room tapes had shown that the call from the public which had sparked the massive terrorism operation had actually referred to tourists on the waterfront and the officers on duty had misunderstood the contents of the call. However no great harm had been done and it had proved to be a good training exercise although costing many thousands of pounds which had exceeded the Police budget.

Mr Mallard said that during questioning of the suspects the Police had been fishing for information and had been successful. While it was unlikely that any charges would be brought under the Terrorism Act some of the men in custody could face charges under the Angling Act, Battered Cod Protection Act, and possible under the Fish and Chips Act. Enquiries were continuing.

Meanwhile the Police decision to discipline an over-zealous officer was not well received in some quarters. In a statement issued later in the day Mrs Agnes Bigot, President of the Zealots Collective of Great Britain and Northern Ireland launched a stinging attack on the Police for transferring the over zealous police officer to another Police authority.

By disciplining the unfortunate zealot, who had simply been doing his job, Mrs Bigot claimed that the Police had clearly shown institutional discrimination and in fact had been over-zealous themselves.Mrs Bigot said that the composition of the local Police Force should reflect the diversity of the population it served and said she believed that the local zealot population was seriously under-represented in the Police and she made a call for a more intensive recruitment of zealots into the Force. Mrs Bigot said that her organisation would be taking to the streets  to make the public more aware of the problem.

In another development today Mrs Brenda Shoveller of the Friends of Ely Ducks (FEDs) noted that there had been a serious and ongoing reduction in the local duck population and the number now to be seen at the waterfront was significantly down on what it had been a few days ago and there were only a few birds left. Mrs Shoveller said that her Organisation believed that the ducks were fleeing Ely because of their fear of an outbreak of human flue among the birds. Mrs Shoveller recalled the strong belief within the community that if the ducks ever left Ely the Romans would return and reoccupy the City and said that the legend was true and that everyone should do all in their power to protect the ducks and stop the birds from totally abandoning the City. “ They must not be allowed to desert us” said Mrs Shoveller.

STOP PRESS:  

As this edition was about to go to press there were unconfirmed reports that a fleet of wooden boats of a strange design had been seen off the coast near Great Yarmouth. The boats seemed to be powered by sail and banks of oars but they disappeared into a fog bank before they could be clearly seen. Royal Navy helicopters are currently searching for the vessels. (Would this be a novel means of delivery by Viking Direct?  ed)

THE GATHERING STORM

THE LAST DUCK LEAVES THE CITY

(From our own reporter at the Ely waterfront)

As the first rays of the rising sun marking the birth of a new day picked out the spires of the Ely cathedral this morning the last duck at the waterfront started its takeoff run along the tranquil waters of the River Great Ouse, lifted into the air, and took wing away from the City. The last duck is gone!

What does the future now hold for the City of Ely? Will the long held belief that the Romans would return and reoccupy the City now come to fruition? The future for the citizens of Ely now stretches ahead grim and forbidding.

a Roman galley

Down near the Cutter Inn a man of swarthy complexion and Latin looks who had been lurking in the shadows watching the departure of the last duck intently suddenly leapt on to the saddle of a waiting horse. The beautiful black stallion reared up and the rider cried “ Quo Vadis Brutus. Away, let us be about Caesar’s business!” and the horse and rider disappeared at breakneck speed in the direction of the A142.

Who was this mysterious stranger and whence did he go?

Throughout the day there has been a flow of reports of a horseman galloping madly along the A10 to Littleport, thence to Mildenhall, and then along the A11, causing mayhem among the heavy traffic on these roads. The rider appears to be heading north and reports say that he eventually veered off the main traffic routes and galloped across fields along what was the old Roman road known as Peddlars Way.

A puzzling feature of this affair is that reports from members of the public indicate that the rider is getting a change of horses at regular intervals. The question is: who is providing these fresh animals? And what is the purpose of the riders travel?

The man appears to making for the coast and there is wide spread speculation that he is heading to Great Yarmouth.

But why?

At dusk reports placed the man on the outskirts of Great Yarmouth and still traveling fast. In the evening fires were seen on the cliffs to the north of the City and there is widespread conjecture that these were signal fires lit by the mystery rider to pass on a message to waiting vessels somewhere in the North Sea.

(Editors note: Some readers may question the feasibility of a horseman travelling the distance between Ely and Great Yarmouth in one day. In 1808 the Marquis of Huntley

( commonly known as Fred) rode from Aberdeen Scotland to Inverness (105 miles) in 7 hours on 8 relays of horses. Each horse averaged 15 mph for about 13 miles. It is not recorded why the good Marquis made the trip. Possibly he was pursued by an outraged husband.)

In the meantime duck fever grips Ely and rumours are rife in the City.

Asked to comment on one strong rumour circulating locally Bernard Matthews said “That’s bloody bootiful! My company has nothing whatsoever to do with the disappearance of the ducks.  We do turks not ducks” he snarled.

In another development Professor Arthur Broccolli a lecturer in Roman and Medieval History at the University of Littleport scoffed at suggestions that now the ducks had left Ely the Romans would return. “Rubbish” said Professor Broccolli “The Roman Empire collapsed and disappeared over 1500 years ago, there are no Romans left, and there will be no

Romans coming to Ely or anywhere else” he said categorically.

However a contrary view was taken by an eminent and highly respected Australian historian who is currently visiting the City. Professor Reg (Blue) Dodgey who holds a Masters degree in Ancient Roman History from the University of Walk-about Creek and who is a past winner of the Crocodile Dundee Memorial Prize disagreed with Professor Broccolli. “Bullshit” said Professor Dodgey. “Of course the Romans survived the collapse of their empire. Who does he think lives in bloody Romania?  Well I’ll tell him: it’s the remains of the bloody Romans that’s who!”Professor Dodgey went on to say “The Romans will be back you can put a bloody ring around that!

And what’s more you won’t be able to stop them because they all hold EU passports!”

 will this be replacing Ely Cathedral?

at least the swans are still here!

In the meantime an apprehensive City has drawn the curtains and sits and waits and wonders: can this be the apocalypse?

Messages of Support from political leaders

“Remain Calm” is the Call!

While the people of Ely wait behind closed doors and drawn curtains for the outcome of the strange developments of recent days messages of support have been flowing in from Government leaders.

Speaking from the lawn of the White House the Prime Minister made a call for calm. He said that he and Mr Bush had agreed to job-share and each would be doing the others job for the next few months.

Mr Bush would be moving into 10 Downing Street shortly and would be giving a State of The Nation address to the House of Commons in the very near future. Mr Blair said that he would be going to Congress very soon to explain his vision of the legacy that he would leave behind when his term as British Prime Minister comes to an end.

Dealing with the concerns of the people of Ely Mr Blair said that he was confident that John Prescott would give inspiring, loyal, dedicated and visionary leadership to the Nation if the occasion so demanded.

The Prime Minister said he wished that he could be with his people at this time but was prepared if necessary to raise his agenda to the next level and get on with the job of defining the boundaries of the legacy that he would leave to the Nation.

Mr Blair concluded by saying “That if the British Labour Party and the Commonwealth last a 1000 years men will still say this was Blair’s finest hour!”

Meanwhile speaking from a croquet club in Vladivostok John Prescott made a call for calm. He said that he regretted that he was unable to be in England at this time but he was involved in critical government to government talks which were of great importance to the Nation.

As soon as those talks were completed he would hurry home to take his rightful place at the head of the Nation. Mr Prescott went on to say that there could be some slight delay before he flew home because he had qualified for the Croquet Club mixed pairs final and if he could win that title it would reflect great credit on Britain. Mr Prescott added that it was a complete coincidence that he had drawn Tracy Temple as his playing partner and he had no idea that she was in Vladivostok but he added “after all it is a popular tourist destination”.

Speaking from her caravan somewhere deep in the Amazon rain forest Margaret Beckett, the Foreign Secretary, made a call for calm and said that she was just about to make a nice cup of tea and she recommended that the people of Ely do the same. Mrs Beckett said that she had been kept fully informed of the situation by the Foreign Office and if push came to shove she would draft an appropriate resolution to place before the United Nations Security Council. In the meantime she would keep a watching brief and keep making cups of tea.

In other developments Jack Straw speaking from a difficult environment in a haystack in Suffolk made a call for calm. Mr Straw said that he was resolute in his determination to press ahead with the long overdue major changes to the Lords. “Those changes will go ahead even though the MCC is bitterly opposed.  I will not be moved!” said Mr Straw as he fell out of the haystack,

David Cameron, leader of the Conservative Party, on a cycling tour in Outer Mongolia has made a call for calm. Mr Cameron said that he was in the Far East looking for his carbon footprint which he was sure he had left there. He refused to answer questions about his activities when at school at Eton and said “do you think I am dopey? We all do things when we are young that we later regret” said Mr Cameron as he climbed on to his cycle and rode off into the sunset.

Ming Campbell  Leader of the Lib Dems was unavailable for comment because his aides would not wake him up. However one spokesmen said I am sure that Mr Campbell would make a call for calm and would lend his warm support to the people of Ely in this difficult time. The spokesman added “Excuse me, just what is the difficult time that the people are experiencing?”

So the people of Ely, strengthened by these wide-ranging expressions of moral support, while not accompanied by any promise of financial support, can wait with renewed confidence and self-belief the arrival of whatever the future holds.

THE NATION WAITS!

Roman Invasion Fleet Sighted!

The Ministry of Defence (MoD) announced today that a large fleet of wooden ships has been sighted in the North Sea about 20 miles north-east of Great Yarmouth apparently  making good speed towards the East Anglia coast. It was not possible to state that the fleet is definitely heading in to Great Yarmouth, but that seemed to be the likely destination.

Speaking at an undisclosed location on HMS Indefinite, his flag ship moored at Devonport, Rear Admiral the Right Honourable Sir Percy Pillock GCMG, GBE, GCVO, CH, Tesco Platignum Customer, Chief of Naval Operations, told a press conference today that two Navy helicopters had located a large group of wooden vessels in the North Sea north east of Great Yarmouth. Sir Percy said that when the aircraft had flown close to the ships they had been driven off by a curtain of arrows fired by men clearly seen in the boats. Because of this aggressive act the aircraft had retaliated by firing four air-to-surface heat seeking missiles but, because the targets were wooden hulled and not driven by a conventional motive source, the missiles had veered off course and had hit and sunk four fishing trawlers of foreign registration operating in the Dogger Bank area.

Sir Percy expressed regret for the incident and said that all the crews of the trawlers sunk had been safely picked up.  He added that no compensation would be payable because the trawlers had been sunk by friendly fire and in essence the incident had been an act of God.

Sir Percy went on to say that the helicopters had closed with the small ships and had established that they were powered by sails and oars and that they were carrying a large number of uniformed men and animals including horses and elephants It was seen that some of the ships had an ornate carved sternpost surmounted by what looked like the head of a duck.

At the subsequent debriefing,before they left for Iraq, the helicopter pilots, after studying a range of history books, identified the 40 or so vessels as mainly Roman but with a number of large Greek trireme merchant ships each propelled by three rows of oars on either side and capable of carrying a large number of men and a vast quantity of equipment and supplies in its hold. Clearly a large and well equipped military force was approaching England ’s shores..

Sir Percy said that the Ministry believed that the approaching fleet of ships was the Roman force that so many people especially in the Ely area had been expecting. He said that a number of naval vessels including an aircraft carrier, 3 cruisers, 6 destroyers,12 frigates, and several fleet auxiliaries would be deployed into the North Sea to keep a watching brief.  He added that at this stage there was no indication that the Romans had any aggressive intentions towards the people of the United Kingdom and he called for calm and a”wait and see” attitude to see what would transpire

Immediately following the press conference there was a stampede of news media representatives vieing with each other to be the first to reach Great Yarmouth and soon every highway, road and track leading into East Anglia was clogged with all manner of vehicle heading for the coast. Within hours the Town was choked with visitors anxious to see the approaching fleet and in very short order officers of the Immigration Service had erected an imposing and impassable barrier of Passport Control checkpoints.

All was now in readiness to meet, greet, or defeat the invading Romans.

The Nation held its breath!