SPORTS RECORDS YOU WOULD RATHER FORGET

Eric ‘The Eel’ Moussambani (Swimming)
At the 2000 Sydney Olympics, Eric did 1min 57.72sec in the 100m freestyle. It was outside even the 200m freestyle world record.

Ali Dia (Football)
‘George Weah’s cousin’ made one appearance for Southampton, going on as a sub – before being substituted himself just 21 minutes later.

Eddie ‘The Eagle’ Edwards (Ski jumping)
Eddie, aka Michael Edwards, became the star of the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary with his inept performances.

Peter Buckley (Boxing)
Buckley has been beaten 256 times, with a streak of 88 successive losses.

Maurice Flitcroft (Golf)
In an Open qualifier at Formby, Maurice shot a round of 121, 49 over par. It was the worst score in the tournament’s 141-year history.

JD McDuffie (NASCAR)
His career spanned almost 30 years from 1963 until his death on the track in 1991, but in his 653 races McDuffie failed to claim a single win.

Des Snowden (Boxing)
The English middleweight boxer holds the unwanted record for the fastest knockout, and he was on the receiving end. In 2000 he was floored by Welsh boxer Russell Rees’ first punch of the fight, with the referee calling time after only four seconds.

Trevor ‘The Tortoise' Misapeka (Athletics)
The 100 metre "runner" weighed 21 stone when he competed at the World Championships in Edmonton, Canada in 2001. Unsurprisingly the American Samoan didn’t win his heat, in fact he came last, clocking 14.28, a full four seconds behind the winner.

Robert Dee (Tennis)
The world's worst tennis professional finally won a game back in April, after 54 consecutive ITF federation defeats. The 21-year-old from Kent had never won a single set in any of his losing games, before he defeated American Arzhang Derakhshani. He was knocked out of the Spanish tournament in the following round. In straight sets.

The Philadelphia Phillies (Baseball)
In 2008 the baseball team became the worst in the history of American professional sport when they notched up a whopping 10,000 defeats.

Scientists create chocoholic dream: all the taste with none of the calories

A new inhaler - dubbed Le Whif - has been developed by scientists, allowing chocoholics to enjoy all the treats they can handle for zero calories.The revolutionary gadget means chocolate lovers can indulge their guilty pleasure without putting on weight.The gadget lets users breathe in chocolate to curb cravings and satisfy their sweet tooth.

Invented by Harvard professor David Edwards, Le Whif comes in four different flavours: raspberry, mint, mango and plain.He worked with his students at Harvard University to develop the product and said he was inspired by thinking beyond normal ways of eating food and into the future.He said: "Over the centuries we've been eating smaller and smaller quantities at shorter and shorter intervals."It seemed to us that eating was tending toward breathing, so, with a mix of culinary art and aerosol science, we've helped move eating habits to their logical conclusion."We call it whiffing."

The chocolate-flavoured powder is housed in a small plastic cylinder which users breathe in from.Makers say the particles of the powder are too large to enter the lungs or do any damage.They believed the chocolate inhaler is just the first step in a gastronomic revolution.Tom Hadfield, part of the Le Whif team, said: "When you inhale food, you don't want the particles going into your lungs."However, these are too big to do that, and we have developed a special mouthpiece to help."It fills your mouth with almost pure chocolate - it tastes really good."It's zero calorie, so could also be used as a diet tool."But chocolate is only the beginning - we're going to be unveiling more different types of food in the future".

Dentist fined for grabbing patient's dentures

German court Friday found a dentist guilty of assault for forcibly extracting the dentures from a patient who did not pay a 700-euro (623-pound) bill.

Chirin Kolb, a reporter for the Suedwest Presse newspaper, said the dentist, 57, apologised to the municipal court in Neu-Ulm after he was fined 6,000 euros for going to the woman's home and taking the false teeth from her mouth.

"His lawyer read a statement expressing remorse and he apologised, saying he just blew a fuse because he was under a lot of professional and personal stress," Kolb told Reuters. He was trying to collect 700 euros not covered by her insurance.

The woman appeared in court with no teeth and said she did not want to wear dentures again because of the distress the incident had caused.

South Korean woman fails driver's test 775 times

A South Korean woman who has failed the driver's exam 775 times is not about give up on her hope of buying a truck one day to go into her own business, whether other drivers want her on the road or not.

Cha Sa-soon, 68, has been trying since 2005 to pass the written portion of the test to get a licence, but she has so far failed to get the 60 percent required to clear it.

"I've looked up some guidebooks to get a driver's licence, and they were saying it takes at most five years to get this," Cha said in North Jeolla province, where farmers on tractors or cows can be just as common on country roads as motor vehicles.

"It's already been four years, so I might pass the test next time. That's what I hope for."

Driving schools in South Korea offer courses to enable applicants to walk away with a licence in a week. Cha has not been fortunate enough to set foot in such a class, which tends to congregate more in busy metropolitan areas, but she remains unfazed, even after having spent more than 10 million won ($6,800) on test applications.

"I believe you can achieve your goal if you persistently pursue it," she says. "So don't give up your dream, like me. Be strong and do your best."

Jobless ex-con asks for more prison time in Taiwan

A jobless Taiwan man released from prison two years ago asked police to send him back so he could eat, police and local media said on Tuesday, a grim sign of hard economic times on the island.

When police found the 45-year-old convicted arsonist lying on a street in a popular Taipei shopping district, he requested a return to life behind bars, nostalgic for the 10 years he had already served, the China Post newspaper reported.

Wang had also contacted police separately with his request, a spokesman said. Officers who found him bought him a boxed lunch but declined to send him back to prison, the police spokesman said.

"We advised him to keep looking for work," he said. "I don't know why he can't find a job. Maybe employers think he's not suitable or that he's too old."

Taiwan is in recession, with a slump in exports leading a record economic contraction in the fourth quarter of last year. Economists see more weakness through most of 2009, given falling demand for Taiwan's electronics goods in overseas markets.

Rain Didn't Dampen Spirits At Aquafest

09:58 - 10 July 2008

I WALKED down to Aquafest on Sunday morning in brilliant sunshine and when I walked home again six hours later, it was with the sun beating down on my head, but as anyone who attended the event will know, it rained for most of the day. The biggest downpour of all came just minutes before the start of the raft race.

So, did the rain keep the crowds away or dampen the spirits of those who organised or attended the event? No, not for one minute. Aquafest is organised by the city's two rotary clubs and these people could organise Glastonbury before lunchtime and a Wimbledon final in time for tea. Military precision is backed up with bags of enthusiasm and community spirit and the result - a fantastically well organised event with lots to do and see and a seemingly effortless performance by all concerned.

I have taken part in the raft race a couple of times, and I really didn't envy the teams (the Ely Standard included) as they made their way down to the start, but I was amazed to see that everyone was still splashing about in the water and having fun despite the wind chill and the downpour. Ely Standard reporter Catherine Atkinson even swam the length of the course afterwards, "just for fun" she told us!

Helen Drake was out and about with her camera and I was in charge of the video camera, which would have been a bit disastourous as my lens kept getting wet, were it not for the kindness of two people from the Lazy Otter who invited me onto their boat to keep me and the video camera dry.

As I walked back to Jubilee Gardens, I just couldn't believe how many people were lining the river bank and cheering the teams on. I said 'hello' to Karen Roberts from CLIC Sargent who was running a stall in Jubilee Gardens and then I saw Ely town crier Avril Hayter-Smith, and her husband Graham, who gave me some sound advice on keeping bonsai trees. Then I bumped into Mark Peters, breakfast presenter on Star Radio, and he showed me his new born daughter, who looked beautiful in her summer bonnet. Ted Coney came and had a chat and was bursting with enthusiasm for his plans to safeguard the future of the arts in Ely.

As I walked back home, thinking what a shame that I had probably missed the Men's Tennis Final!) it struck me that the thing that makes Ely is so special is its community spirit. It is akin to the kind of enthusiasm and closeness that you experience when you live in a village. I do think that people are right to stand up and fight for all the things that make a place special and unique. Otherwise, Ely will just become another faceless clone town.

If you have five minutes and fancy a laugh, go to our website at www.elystandard24.co.uk and click on the You Must Be Joking strip on the front page of the site. You can see and hear lots of people telling jokes. Some are funny and some will make you groan, but hopefully bring a smile too. You can also see me telling a classic Tommy Cooper joke very badly because I am laughing so much that I almost fall off my chair. Hope it makes you laugh.

DUBLIN (AFP) - Dublin Zoo appealed to the public on Thursday not to be taken in by hoax text messages that have led to its switchboard being jammed by an estimated 100,000 calls in two weeks.

People are receiving text messages to their mobile phones asking them to ring the zoo's number for an "urgent message."

The texts are signed with names like G. Raffe, C. Lion, Rory Lyons and Anna Conda.

"This is proving to be a very serious waste of our time and resources," the zoo said.

The zoo's marketing manager Veronica Crisp told RTE state radio they had previously got hoax calls on a few days of the year like April Fool's Day but the current situation "was getting out of hand."

"It might be kind of funny the first few times but we have lost our sense of humour now with calls coming in at a rate of about 13 a minute. The system is pretty much choked," she said.

Crisp said the police and Ireland’s communications watchdog had been unable to help.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Blood-thinning drugs such as aspirin may help fight cancer by denying shelter to wandering tumour cells, U.S. researchers reported on Friday.

Experiments in mice showed that combining aspirin with an experimental anti-clotting drug slowed the growth and spread of breast and melanoma tumours.

Blood cells called platelets shelter and feed tumour cells in the bloodstream, making it easier for cancer to spread, or metastasize, the team at Washington University in St. Louis said.

Writing in the Journal of Cellular Biochemistry, they said inactivating platelets may help slow or prevent this spread.The study could help support other findings that show people who take aspirin or similar drugs that affect a gene and protein called COX-2, including aspirin, ibuprofen and the COX-2 inhibitor Celebrex, have a lower risk of some cancers.

There is also some suggestion that taking aspirin or ibuprofen along with chemotherapy may make the chemo more effective.

"Past research has shown that tumour cells activate platelets and that mice with defective platelets have significantly fewer metastases," Dr. Katherine Weilbaecher, who helped lead the study, said in a statement.

"We also know that platelets have several traits that can aid tumour cells, and we are working to break up that potentially lethal partnership."

The researchers used ordinary aspirin combined with an experimental antiplatelet drug called APT102. Made by St. Louis-based APT Therapeutics, the drug interferes with clotting.

When they injected mice with breast cancer and melanoma cells, the tumours quickly spread to the bone.

But when the mice got aspirin and APT102, the tumours that grew and spread were much smaller. Neither drug had an effect on its own, perhaps because platelet-making processes must be attacked from several angles, Weilbaecher said.

"Aspirin prevents platelets from making thromboxane, a substance that facilitates clotting," Weilbaecher said.

"APT102 is an especially interesting drug because it gets rid of a compound called ADP, which tumour cells release and which stimulates platelets to clump. So APT102 prevents platelet activation in response to tumour cells."

"Anti-platelet drugs such as (aspirin) plus APT102 could be valuable experimental tools for studying the role of platelet activation in metastasis as well as a therapeutic option for the prevention of bone metastases," the researchers wrote.

Weilbaecher and colleagues are testing their theory in women with advanced breast cancer to test aspirin and the anti-clotting drug Plavix, another antiplatelet drug, to see if the combination reduces the number of tumour cells in the blood.

Plavix, one of the world's best-selling drugs, is sold by Bristol-Myers Squibb Co and Sanofi-Aventis.

Zoo keeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of a animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the beast suddenly unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that once again proves..."S...it happens!"

A Lancing (West Sussex) soldier serving in the East sent his baby son Gary Gardner, a lemon as a little present. He was quite delighted to receive this strange gift , for lemons have not been common in his young life. In fact he was none to sure what one did with the unfamiliar object.So when someone proposed that he give his lemon as a prize for a little competition for the Red Cross Prisoners of War Fund he raised no objection. So Gary's lemon became thr means of raising some 30 shillings (£1.50) for the fund.

A British pensioner has been ordered out of his local social club for breaking wind too loudly, which "disgusted" fellow members, media reports said Wednesday.

Maurice Fox, 77, received a letter from Kirkham Street Sports and Social Club in Paignton, south-west England, about his overly-audible flatulence, asking him to go outside when necessary.

"It's only a little bit of wind -- it doesn't really hurt anyone. I sit by the door anyway and try to get out when I can. But sometimes it takes me by surprise and just pops out," he said, quoted by The Guardian daily.

"I think someone has complained about the noise. I am a loud farter, but there is no smell," he added, noted that "there is no smell at all since I gave up the cider and started on the Bass (a type of beer)."

"After several complaints regarding your continual breaking of wind (farting) while in the club, would you please consider that your actions are considered disgusting to fellow members and visitors," it said.

"You sit close to the front door, so would you please go outside when required. So please take heed of this request," it added.

Fox -- who said he gets no complaints at another nearby club he attends two days a week -- voiced surprise that he had received no oral warning before the written complaint.

But he admitted they had a point. "I do not think it is unreasonable, you get ladies in there," he said.

"The ladies find it a bit rude but the men have a chuckle. My wife died seven years ago and I live on my own so I might have lost a few social graces. But I was surprised to get the letter from the committee."

An Indian farmer has married his dog in a bid to overcome what he believes is a curse caused by him having stoned to death two mating dogs in his rice field, press reports said.

The 34-year-old farmer, identified as Selvakumar from Sivaganga district in the southern state of Tamil Nadu, fell on bad fortune 15 years ago after killing the dogs and hanging their carcasses from a tree.

A few days later, his hearing and speech were impaired and he was unable to walk.

Doctors were clueless, but an astrologer finally told him he was cursed by the spirits of the dogs he had killed. He could undo the curse only if he married a dog and live with it, the soothsayer said.

After a long search for a 'suitable bride', Selvakumar managed to get a four-year-old mongrel bitch from a friend and had a fully-fledged Hindu wedding in front of villagers and elders on Sunday, eyewitnesses said.

The canine bride, named Selvi, was adorned in a sari and flowers and brought to the temple by village women. A Hindu priest conducted the ceremony.

The reports, however, said Selvi the dog attempted to make a run for it -- apparently due to the large crowds -- but was eventually tracked down and returned to her new 'husband'.

"The dog is only for lifting the curse and after that, he plans to get a real bride," a friend of the groom said.

A schoolboy was given an unexpected surprise for his 16th birthday when a stripper turned up in his drama class.The stripper - dressed as a policewoman - had been booked by the boy's mother, who had apparently asked for a "gorilla" to mark her son's big day.The woman even asked the teenager's teacher at Nottingham's Arnold Hill School and Technology College to film the event so the family could see his reaction. On arriving halfway through the lesson, the stripper walked the unnamed boy around the class on all fours like a dog.To the soundtrack of Britney Spears, she then spanked him 16 times - once for each year - before stripping down to her bra and knickers.

It was only when she asked the schoolboy to rub cream on her that the shocked teacher called a halt to the show.The boy's mother reportedly told the school the incident was the result of a booking error.On Thursday a spokeswoman for the local education authority, Nottinghamshire County Council, said they were investigating how the incident happened.

She confirmed that nobody had been suspended and the police were not involved.The spokeswoman said: "We and the school are investigating into the situation."

Cow dung is the latest culprit found to be causing arsenic poisoning in unsuspecting villagers in West Bengal, India.

During the last century people living in China, Nepal, India and Bangladesh were encouraged to use well water rather than surface water. Whilst reducing the number of casualties from bacterial diseases, it was soon discovered that the well water is contaminated by arsenic leaching from rock. Sickness through drinking the well water and rice, and other crops, irrigated with contaminated water has been widely reported. Dipankar Chakraborti and colleagues from Jadavpur University, India, have now discovered another related route through which people in West Bengal are exposed to arsenic.

Chakraborti explains that in this region cow dung, from cows fed contaminated rice straw, is dried in the sun and used as fuel in domestic ovens. He found that when the cow dung cakes are burnt arsenic is released into the air, which is then inhaled.

Jose Centeno, an expert in medical geology at the US Armed Forces Institute of Pathology in Washington, DC, said the findings are important as they describe yet another previously unknown source of arsenic exposure in this region.

The exposure is magnified because the ovens and kitchens are not ventilated, said Chakraborti. He explained that woman and children in the region are the worst affected because they spend an average of seven hours a day next to ovens. Inhalation of arsenic leads to respiratory problems such as persistent coughs and reduced lung capacity, said Chakraborti.

Centeno believes that a concerted effort is needed to prevent further communities being exposed to arsenic. He said that geoscientists are currently 'trying to determine the source rocks from which arsenic is being leached' and to determine what caused the arsenic to be mobilised from the rock.

A Venezuelan man who had been declared dead woke up in the morgue in excruciating pain after medical examiners began their autopsy.

Carlos Camejo, 33, was declared dead after a highway accident and taken to the morgue, where examiners began an autopsy only to realize something was amiss when he started bleeding. They quickly sought to stitch up the incision on his face.

"I woke up because the pain was unbearable," Camejo said, according to a report on Friday in leading local newspaper El Universal.

His grieving wife turned up at the morgue to identify her husband's body only to find him moved into a corridor -- and alive.

Reuters could not immediately reach hospital officials to confirm the events. But Camejo showed the newspaper his facial scar and a document ordering the autopsy.

A lonely baboon in a private Lithuanian zoo has adopted a chicken he saved from certain death last month and the two have formed a fast friendship, the zoo's director said on Friday.

The chicken was intended as food for other animals in the zoo, but escaped and was sheltered by Mitis, a six-year-old Hamadryas Baboon, Edvardas Legeckas, who runs the zoo near the port city Klaipeda in western Lithuania, told Reuters.

Mitis has been fed chicken meat before, but this time he fell in love with his food, Legeckas said."He plays with the chicken, cleans its feathers, sleeps with it, and takes care as if it was his own baby child," the zoo director said.

"But I am not sure how long this affair would last, because baboon may finally realise this is food."Baboons, with their distinctive long dog-like muzzles and heavy powerful jaws, are omnivorous, but usually prefer fruit. In the wild, they live in close-knit social groups."Obviously this baboon needed someone to communicate with," the director said.

A woman set fire to her ex-husband's penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka, Moscow police said on Wednesday.

Asked if the man would make a full recovery, a police spokeswoman said it was "difficult to predict".The attack climaxed three years of acrimonious enforced co-habitation. The couple divorced three years ago but continued to share a small flat, something common in Russia where property costs are very high. "It was monstrously painful," the wounded ex-husband told Tvoi Den newspaper. "I was burning like a torch. I don't know what I did to deserve this."

A woman from South Wales has had to take out a bank loan to pay for her pet chicken's leg amputation. Vicky Mills was determined to save the life of her three-year old pet chicken, Lily after its limb was caught on a barbed wire fence. When the 24-year-old was told the bird's leg could not be saved, she opted to have it amputated, costing her £1,800. Because of the price of the surgery, Mrs Mills had to take out a bank loan and could not afford to go on holiday.Lily the chicken underwent seven operations and recovered successfully, even overcoming depression following surgery.Mrs Mills, who was given the chicken when it was only two days old, said the operation was worth every penny.

A motorist has pleaded guilty to driving at 172mph on a rural A-road, making him the fastest speeder ever caught in Britain. Tim Brady, 33, was caught in a random speed check on the A420 near Abingdon, Oxfordshire, driving a £98,000 3.6-litre Porsche 911 Turbo in January this year.

In a short appearance at Oxford Crown Court, Brady pleaded guilty to one count of dangerous driving.His plea of not guilty to one count of aggravated vehicle-taking was accepted by the Crown Prosecution Service and he will be sentenced next month.Brady, of Harrow, north-west London, resigned from his job at car lease firm Helphire at its Abingdon branch days after police stopped him in the car. A spokeswoman for road safety charity Brake branded his actions "selfish". "The idea of someone driving at that speed is horrific. The chances that a person will be able to control a vehicle at that speed if something unexpected happens is slim."It is extremely selfish. Nobody has the right to put other people's lives at risk like that."

In 2003, car dealer Jason McAllister was caught doing 156mph in his 3.2-litre BMW M3 in Scotland. He was jailed for five months.

A teenage couple having sex for the first time were interrupted when candles set fire to the girl's attic bedroom and forced them to flee naked from her parents' house, German daily Bild reported on Friday.

The girl had wanted to create a romantic atmosphere for the occasion. But when the room suddenly became engulfed with flames, they had to make a hasty escape.The couple, both 18, were pictured naked in the paper among the burned wreckage of the attic. A charred teddy had survived but the fire wrecked the entire top floor of the house causing around 100,000 euros (68,000 pounds) worth of damage.