IDIOT SIGHTINGS

1. My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a twenty pence piece.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, ‘Yes I know, but that way you can just give me a pound back.'

She was puzzled and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.' The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.

 2. We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Madam, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park, near Watford.

3. I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local town council office to request the removal of the "DEER CROSSING" sign on our road. She said the reason was: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.” Story from Potters Bar, Herts.

4. My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From South Oxhey, Herts.

5. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' Happened Luton Airport.

6. The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in Harrow, Middlesex.

7. When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I have already done that side. ‘This was at Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire.

8. A coach party were out for the day, stopped of at a refreshment halt in Hertfordshire and queued up for tea and coffee.

One group asked for "Six decaffeinated please”. To which the girl replied: “Sorry, we only do coffee!” Story from Luton Probus

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1. A  day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have  different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the  spot.

4.  99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the  people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks  slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8.  The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the  trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people  have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad  memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending  machines.

12.  If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How  many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's  the speed of dark?

15.  When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong  lane.

16.  Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much  deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but  weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get  scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your  name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,  'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't  suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound.  That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24.  Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What  you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

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Subject: Retired people

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into Ely and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was plod writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on officer, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a Nazi t^rd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So my wife called him a ****head.He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age

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 On the first day, God created the dog and said:
 
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

T he cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

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It's a stockbroker's first day in prison and he meets his psychotic-looking cell mate, who  notices how scared the stockbroker looks.
"I'm in for a white-collar crime, too." he says.

"Oh, really?" says the stockbroker, sighing with relief.

"Yeah," says the cellmate, "I strangled a vicar."

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I was feeling a bit depressed the other day, so I called The Samaritans.
I was put through to a 'call centre' in Pakistan. I told them I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly an aeroplane....
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Thought for the day:

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or hump it,
Pee on it and walk away.

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Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded .

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded .

6. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.

7. If all is not lost, where is it?

8. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

9. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded .

10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the lamppost.

11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few . . .

12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded .

15. It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.

16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded .

20. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

23. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

Traffic News:

A police patrol car pulled over a Morris Minor crawling along the A10 near Streham.

The officer asked the little old lady at the whell why she was going so slowly.

"It said 10 mph on the last sign" she replied.

"No, Madam, that is the road number - the A10 - the speed limit is 60 mph," the officer explained.

Then he noticed a lady passenger, ashen-faced and cowering in the front passenger seat.

"Are you all right, missus?" he asked.

"Not really," she replied.

"We've just come off the A141".

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Did you know that from July 1st 2007 Smokey Robinson is only allowed to perform at open air venues when he comes to the UK?

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This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.... It was a turtle disaster.
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I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is.
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I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
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I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
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Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got China in my hand."
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I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End'
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I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."
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I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
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My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
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I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."
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I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
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I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
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I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
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The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
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I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."
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This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
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I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
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I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
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This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
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I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"
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I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.
I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened.
I said "I careered off the road"
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I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
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I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
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I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
"Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
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I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

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THE BATTLE OF HASTINGS
by
Marriott Edgar

I'll tell of the Battle of Hastings,
As happened in days long gone by,
When Duke William became King of England,
And 'Arold got shot in the eye.

It were this way - one day in October
The Duke, who were always a toff
Having no battles on at the moment,
Had given his lads a day off.

They'd all taken boats to go fishing,
When some chap in t' Conqueror's ear
Said 'Let's go and put breeze up the Saxons;'
Said Bill - 'By gum, that's an idea.'

Then turning around to his soldiers,
He lifted his big Norman voice,
Shouting - 'Hands up who's coming to England.'
That was swank 'cos they hadn't no choice.

They started away about tea-time -
The sea was so calm and so still,
And at quarter to ten the next morning
They arrived at a place called Bexhill.

King 'Arold came up as they landed -
His face full of venom and 'ate -
He said 'lf you've come for Regatta
You've got here just six weeks too late.'

At this William rose, cool but 'aughty,
And said 'Give us none of your cheek;
You'd best have your throne re-upholstered,
I'll be wanting to use it next week.'

When 'Arold heard this 'ere defiance,
With rage he turned purple and blue,
And shouted some rude words in Saxon,
To which William answered - 'And you.'

'Twere a beautiful day for a battle;
The Normans set off with a will,
And when both sides was duly assembled,
They tossed for the top of the hill.

King 'Arold he won the advantage,
On the hill-top he took up his stand,
With his knaves and his cads all around him,
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.

The Normans had nowt in their favour,
Their chance of a victory seemed small,
For the slope of the field were against them,
And the wind in their faces an' all.

The kick-off were sharp at two-thirty,
And soon as the whistle had went
Both sides started banging each other
'Til the swineherds could hear them in Kent.

The Saxons had best line of forwards,
Well armed both with buckler and sword -
But the Normans had best combination,
And when half-time came neither had scored.

So the Duke called his cohorts together
And said - 'Let's pretend that we're beat,
Once we get Saxons down on the level
We'll cut off their means of retreat.'

So they ran - and the Saxons ran after,
Just exactly as William had planned,
Leaving 'Arold alone on the hill-top
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.

When the Conqueror saw what had happened,
A bow and an arrow he drew;
He went right up to 'Arold and shot him.
He were off-side, but what could they do?

The Normans turned round in a fury,
And gave back both parry and thrust,
Till the fight were all over bar shouting,
And you couldn't see Saxons for dust.

And after the battle were over
They found 'Arold so stately and grand,
Sitting there with an eye-full of arrow
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.

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  SIGN IN A BANK LOBBY:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
Enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
Outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been
Developed.
Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

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FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
Machine.

3. Engage Hand Brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
Distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
Back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
Chequebook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
Provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Hand Brake.